Hi friend,
How’s your breath? How’s your heart?
I’m back on the east coast for the next couple of weeks visiting friends and family. It’s nice to be back in a bit cooler weather; I’ve missed my mid-day walks (scroll for photo evidence of said walks).
Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about this question:
What behaviors, thoughts, and habits feel like they are keeping me connected to old versions of my Self that I’m ready to heal?
As a somatic experiencing practitioner (SEP), I am constantly thinking about the connection between past life experiences and present moment responses, and how this connection is expressing itself through the body: sensations,emotions, nervous system regulation/dysregulation, over reactions, under reactions, physical symptoms such as pain or chronic illness, and more.
In Somatic Experiencing, “coupling dynamics” refers to how different elements of past experiences get interpreted within the body and nervous system and how these elements are linked to -and therefore influence- a person’s present-day responses. The two types of coupling dynamics are over-coupling and under-coupling.
Over-coupling is when there is an exaggerated connection with an element of a past experience that triggers a seemingly hyperreactive response in the present moment. For example, imagine Jane (a fictitious character) was involved in a car crash when she was young and heard a loud screeching noise of the brakes right before the collision. Now, years after this traumatic experience, she still jumps in terror every time she hears a loud noise and her body braces for impact, even though she intellectually knows that she is safe. In this situation, loud noises are over-coupled with this initial traumatic experience.
Under-coupling, on the other hand, is when there is a lack of connection between an event or events and present day reactions, often manifesting as an underactive response or even numbness. Take John (another fictitious person), who works as a nurse in the ICU. Over time, John has learned to detach from his bodily sensations while at or talking about the tragedies he sees at work every day. His affect is flat and matter-of-fact when discussing his work-related stress, despite chronic pain in his shoulders and TMJ. John’s detached and emotionless relationship with his stressful work experiences, along with his lack of awareness of what his body is trying to tell him, might suggest there is an under-coupling between John’s cognitive awareness of how stressful his job is, and his emotional and physical responses to it.
Coupling dynamics come into play in all aspects of our lives. We could be over-coupled in some ways while simultaneously being under-coupled in other aspects of our lives. Somatic Experiencing supports the decoupling of over-coupled elements and the reconnection of under-coupled elements of the Self to restore coherence and regulation in the body and reduce symptoms of trauma to ultimately enhance overall well-being and presence.
All this makes me wonder about my own current thoughts, behaviors, and reactionary responses. Which ones are connected to old, past experiences and versions of myself that I’m still needing to heal?
This weekend is my 10th year college reunion. I’m writing this before going so I can’t say for certain how it’s going to go. I’m mostly just excited to see old friends.
But the lead up to it has made me reflect a lot about my relationship to alcohol, then and now. I’ve been so inspired by the sober community here on substack, most recently
beautiful post about her own journey of sobriety. Thinking about being back on the campus where I had many drunken nights has brought me back to the experience of being a 19-year-old who didn’t feel like she belonged.If I pull back the curtain and speak honestly, one of the most profound and lasting coupling dynamics that developed during my college years was the belief that being a “fun person” meant that I had to drink. In other words, fitting in and being liked became overcoupled with alcohol. I’m sure some of you can relate.
Every once and a while when I’m in certain social situations (like the one I’m entering into this weekend), I feel this old version of myself resurface. The felt sense of this part feels fluttery, flighty, nervous, and even a bit socially anxious. She overthinks and worries a bit more than normal. She becomes hyper aware of social hierarchies and her place within them. She starts to believe her only value add is to be the “fun” one. She hates the monotony of small talk so instead would rather be the life of the party who encourages people to dance and drink more. She knows that this is how to keep people comfortable- to keep people from not just liking her, but to actually have no opinion of her at all, which feels the most safe.
There is comfort in hiding her more vulnerable parts, and she’s learned that alcohol is the best shield.
Most of the time I feel so far away from this version of myself. Yet in moments like these I’m reminded that she will forever live in the very fiber of my being. It’s moments like these where I remember that as much as my mind wants to move on, my body will never forget. And maybe that’s not such a bad thing.
When it comes to healing from certain coupling dynamics, it’s not necessarily about changing our reactions or behaviors completely. It’s about noticing where and why they’re there in the first place, taking a moment of pause, and being an active participant in choosing how you want to show up for yourself in any given situation.
Although there are some nerves heading into this weekend, I’m mostly just incredibly grateful for this opportunity to be in a deeper, more compassionate relationship with this part of myself. I’m excited that I get to spend some time with her in the place where she was birthed. I’m looking forward to nurturing her in the moments where she feels scared, and to remind her that she’s not so alone and vulnerable anymore. I’m ready to show her that it’s safe to be more authentic. I’m ready to be the firm parent when she thinks her only option is to drink, and show her another way if and when need be.
Most of all, I’m prepared to remind her as many times as it takes that she doesn’t need to do things just to “fit in” or be liked, because she already belongs. She belongs to me. She belongs with me. And that is everything.
Xo,
The part who is choosing belonging over fitting in
Journaling Prompts to get curious about coupling dynamics:
Below are 4 situations where coupling dynamics can most often be revealed to us. Use the scenarios and prompts below to get curious about what coupling dynamics are present for you:
Bodily sensations and emotions when in conflict:
Reflect on a recent conflict you had with a partner, friend, or colleague. How did your body feel during this conflict? Describe any physical sensations you noticed (like tightness, heat, shakiness, etc). What might these sensations tell you about your emotional state during this conflict? Take a moment to really sit with these sensations and emotions. Close the eyes and track what happens in the body and mind. Do these bodily reactions feel like they were appropriate given the conflict at hand? How or how not? Does your mind wander to another memory or past experience when sitting with these sensations and emotions?
Calm Moments in relationships:
Recall a peaceful moment you shared with a partner or friend. How did your body feel during this time? Describe any sensations of relaxation or comfort. How did these sensations affect your feelings towards your partner or friend? Did you feel like you were fully able to relax and feel that sense of comfort? How or how not?
Recognizing when we are triggered:
Think about a time when you felt upset with a partner or friend. What happened just before you felt this way? How did your body react? Take a moment to be with this reaction. Is this a pattern or a trigger that is connected to a larger story/narrative/past experience than just this one memory? Free write whatever comes up for you here.
Communicating Needs
Think of a time when you needed something from a partner or friend but found it hard to ask. How did your body feel when you were struggling to express your needs? Is this struggle connected to past experiences of not getting your needs met? How or how not? What could help you feel more comfortable communicating your needs in the future?
Of the four scenarios, which one brought up the most activation and/or resistance for you? Would love to hear in the comments for those brave enough to share!
What’s on this month?
Online Breathwork & Sound Healing, Thursday June 27th at 7-8pm CST
I am so honored and excited to be partnering with musician and sound healer Annie Bosco for what will be a truly unforgettable healing experience. This class is designed to move undesired emotion and energy with an energizing and grounding 30-minute breath and gentle movement class followed by sound healing to support integration and deep relaxation of mind, body, and soul. Tickets are $25 (or free for paid subscribers to All Parts!)
What I’m reading on substack:
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Scenes from New England walks. A flower window box in Charlestown, MA, and some wildflowers with a random old chimney on a walk in New Hampshire. The best!
I was struggling last weekend with wanting to drink and I was too hard on myself about it, trying to make sense of why I wanted to. But reading your words about it being coupled with wanting to fit in made sense to me. We had family visiting and I feel uncomfortable in bigger gatherings, and there it was. I wanted to fit it and I struggle with being myself in those settings. Thank you for your reflections here, I find SE insanely interesting.
I really relate to the anxious part in social situations and loved the tips on navigating these experiences 💙