Unspiritual Spiritual Advice
3 tips for spiritual seekers who want to avoid the bypassing and inflated egos
Religion is starting to see a resurgence. Spirituality is growing. Things that were once considered New Age and fringe are coming into the mainstream. There’s an up-tick of people who are wanting to connect or reconnect to their spirituality or childhood religious groups. I’ve had conversations with multiple friends thinking of going back to church because they’re missing a connection to something larger than themselves. Words like energy, “downloads”, and spiritual awakenings have become common vernacular.
Although I love that spiritual growth and exploration is becoming more widespread and accepted, there are things I worry about. Most concerning is the emphasis of self-actualization before other needs are met, which often lead to spiritual egos, spiritual bypassing, and more.
Humanistic psychology was born in the mid-1900s out of the need for a theoretical framework that created space for understanding how life experiences impacted one’s sense of well-being. At the time, the two main schools of thought were psychoanalysis and behaviorism; both of which focused on studying maladaptive behaviors, psychopathology, or in other words: people at their worst. Psychologists such as Abraham Maslow, Carl Rogers, Rollo May, and Charlotte Bühler wanted to instead understand what made people feel fulfilled and well so they could encourage these characteristics in their work with clients.
Anyone who’s taken a Psych101 course will be familiar with Maslow’s hierarchy of needs that helps conceptualize what is needed to live well. At the top of this triangle is self-actualization; at the bottom of the triangle are physiological needs: food, shelter, water, and clean air. See below for a full image of Maslow’s triangle:
Maslow and colleagues found that self-actualization was the highest form of well-being, with several key factors that helped define what self-actualization means. These factors include self-awareness, authenticity, the ability to move towards growth and autonomy, meaning and purpose, positive relationships, resilience, creativity, and transcendence- or what were labeled as peak experiences.
Peak experiences are moments where one feels a connection to something larger than oneself; feelings of euphoria, joy, awe, a loss of self-consciousness, and a heightened level of awareness and presence. These experiences have lasting impacts that ultimately shape one’s beliefs, behaviors, and sense of meaning and purpose in life.
These psychologists found that part of the self-actualization process is actually connecting to what can only be defined as spiritual- that sense that there is something beyond the Self.
The whole point of this triangle is to emphasize that these needs are, in fact, hierarchical. Without clean water, a sense of safety, or feelings of belonging and love, we cannot safely access self-actualization.
And yet that’s exactly what many spiritual teachings and teachers are trying to sell us.
It feels as though many self-proclaimed “spiritual” people and groups are bypassing the whole middle of the triangle in order to reach self-actualization faster, stronger, better. There’s many ways people are trying to reverse engineer by reaching self-actualization first, and then hoping that the rest will fall into place. Unfortunately, I’ve seen the negative repercussions of this method time and time again.
Most notably is the surge of people pursuing psychedelics to have peak experiences that connect them to a deeper sense of Self and spirituality. There’s nothing inherently wrong with this on its own (psychedelics without a doubt changed my life), but where we get in trouble is when we don’t have a solid foundation or integration tools in place in which to make sense and process these peak experiences. The most common thing I’ve seen as a somatic therapist is when someone does not feel safe living in their body (i.e. lacking in personal safety).
When we do not feel safe in, or trust, our own bodies, we run the risk of putting all our trust in a spiritual guru or entity outside of our Selves that promises self-actualization or spiritual connection. When we lack an intimate sense of belonging or connection to others, what was once, “no one understands me” becomes, “I’m better than everyone else” after a forced peak spiritual experience.
When a person travels straight to the top of the triangle without also filling in the holes in their triangle of hierarchical needs, there runs the risk of bypassing safety, connection, and self-authority. It’s here, too, where spiritual egos can develop that create a psychological separation that feels detached from reality, lacking in any social responsibility, and fraught with gaslighting and conflict aversion.
I work with clients who are longing for a deeper connection to Self and to the world around them. Often this work leads them to some form of spiritual exploration. When you begin this exploration, it’s hard not to run into the “love and light” shade of spirituality that, at first glance, feels so appealing and promising. It’s hard not to think, “how come they seem so connected and happy, while I’m over here crying my eyes out?! Why can’t my spiritual path look more like that?!”
I get it.
And…I wonder what pain the “love and light” is bypassing. I wonder when a person speaks with such certainty about “the way,” if what they’re actually longing for underneath all that conviction is a sense of belonging and connection. I wonder if their bodies feel like a safe place to reside, and what demons they’re fighting by using spiritual practices as just another empty promise of respite from suffering.
I’ve come up with three tips for those who are spiritually curious. These might not feel or sound very spiritual, but I believe they’re crucial scaffolding when learning to trust your Self when on your journey to self-actualization. I’d love to hear what you think in the comments.
#1 Be skeptical of everything and everyone
I’m born and raised in Boston so this one came naturally to me, and I’m so grateful. It was my skepticism that saved me from entering into a cult disguised as a breathwork teacher training (true story).
A little hypervigilance is a good thing, at least at the beginning as you’re learning to trust what resonates and what doesn’t. If your bullshit-meter is going off but everyone around you is saying this modality or person is the greatest, trust your bullshit-meter; it’s either telling you that this thing is not for you, or it’s not for you right now, which is just as important to listen to.
#2 Don’t let the bull shit stop you from exploring
That being said, there is bull shit everywhere, and it’s easy to move into a state of closedness that keeps you from exploring at all. Be mindful if this begins to happen. Is there judgment just for judgment’s sake? Is there a protective energy/sensation in the body that feels different than just your average, “no thank you?” Notice this difference. Feel into this difference. And see what’s underneath that protective judgment.
I resisted practicing kundalini yoga for years, but it wasn’t because I didn’t like the actual practice of it. In fact I loved the practice from the very first time I tried it. It felt energizing and life giving to my shutdown and disconnected body. It felt like the firm yet grounding practice I needed to get myself out of the stuckness I felt. I resisted learning more about kundalini because there was so much dogma around it that felt like a hard no for me.
For those who don’t know, kundalini yoga is a form of yoga that combines repetitive movements, breathwork, mantra/chanting, and meditation. It also focuses more heavily on the spirituality and energetics of yoga that more westernized versions tend to ignore. I’ll admit it can feel pretty out there if you’re used to vinyasa or yin yoga. But even the weird movements and chanting didn’t deter me from the practice. It was all the bullshit surrounding it. The white women in turbans. The “love and light” shade of spirituality that bypassed the realities of our world. The spiritual egos I felt amongst some teachers. The guru worship.
I threw the baby out with the bath water and stayed clear of kundalini for years, and I regret not listening to my body when it told me to keep practicing, despite all the dogma, all those years ago.
If you’re curious, this is your invitation to go to the breathworks and the sound baths and the churches and the reiki healers and the tarot readers and the ecstatic dances. Go to events and communities that feel “out there” and “weird.” Think of it as a great adventure, staying clear of anything that doesn’t peak your interest. See if you can find a balance between a healthy dose of skepticism, and an openness that allows you to stay present to the exploration of what resonates and what doesn’t.
Which leads me to my third piece of advice…
#3 Take what resonates and leave the rest
As I filled in the missing holes of my own triangle of needs- mostly finding safety in listening to my body- I realized that if something doesn’t resonate with me it’s simply just not for me. No harm, no foul. Enough of trying to gaslight myself into believing in things that I simply did not believe in.
This led me back into the fundamental teachings of Vedic philosophy and kundalini, which - stripped of all the dogma - I deeply resonate with.
As Philip Goldberg states in his book American Veda, I became a “spiritual pragmatist”- taking what felt true and right for me, and leaving the rest behind. I suggest you do the same.
For those who have been long on the spiritual path, do you have any other words of wisdom? For the spiritually curious, do you have any questions?
I’ll meet you in the comments,
The Spiritual Pragmatist Part
What’s on this month?
With the abundance of spring at our fingertips, we’ll be using this prosperous time to learn how to trust that we are capable of holding all of life’s beauty. It’s a wonderful time of year to dream big, heal big, and begin to trust the whispers of the body.
I’ve got two supportive offerings coming up (if you are a paid subscriber you get automatic access to these offerings at a much lower price!)
Building Our Capacity to Sit with Fear of the Unknown: A 1-hour online workshop on Sunday, May 19th at 10am CST
One of the biggest things I work on with my 1:1 clients is how to stop trying to control and manage things and be ok with life’s uncertainties. What’s really happening, so we are trying to manage and control so we don’t have to feel the discomfort of fear.
We’ll explore:
What happens in the body when we get into a fear-based freeze state
How to “unthaw” from a frozen state and begin to build your capacity to move through the discomfort of the unknown/uncertainties rather than shutting it down or avoiding it completely
Guided exercises and meditation to begin to experiment with what it feels like to embrace fear as a catalyst for change
The recording of the workshop as well as access to the slides if you can’t make the live class
You can learn more and sign up here.
ABUNDANCE: A 15 day practice. We begin Wednesday, May 22nd daily from 8-8:30am CST
Utilizing the kundalini combination of breathwork, movement, mantra, and meditation, we’ll be calling in abundance in mind, body, and soul in our upcoming 15 day practice.
This is a great way to experience the power of kundalini to feel more stabilized, energized, and grounded in your day to day life. This practice has been called “transformative,” “life changing,” and “uplifting” from past participants.
A daily live 30-minute class plus recordings if you can’t make it live
Access to a supportive whatsapp group chat to help hold each other accountable
Additional resources, education, and journal prompts to deepen the practice
You can learn more and sign up here.
Extra tidbits and resources:
The anthem for this month:
These two letters on the power of walking:
Thank you for sharing this Eliza! I can relate to not engaging with practices and teachings that are deeply calling to me because of the stigma around them. It's inspiring to see you lean into Kundalini and it seems very authentic and aligned for you!
I see what you're saying about Maslow's hierarchy of needs (and I don't disagree entirely), but I had some thoughts and curiosities arise. Just thought I would share them here in case anyone wants to chat about them. :)
- There is no hierarchy in spiritual exploration. To compare the spiritual path to something so linear doesn't quite fit for me.
- I think self- actualization and spirituality are very different (although I see things in common as well). I would be curious to hear from others: what do you think the biggest difference is between self-actualization and spirituality?
- With my work on the DTES, I've had many conversations amongst therapists about client's capacity to process trauma. Exploring questions like, can we explore trauma processing with clients who do not have basic needs met – and likely never will in their lifetime because of colonization and the current systems and structures that aim to keep people there. Will these clients reach self-actualization? For many the answer is no. Does this mean they cannot explore spirituality? Does this mean they cannot have spiritual experiences? I've also seen their connection with Spirit not "love and light" their way through their pain, but it's been what's granted them the capacity to be with it.
Love your orientation here. It's fun to see practitioners really start to dive into the nuance of how we can use psychedelics to open, and how that process unfolds. And what to look out for!
For me, trying to organize the spiritual path into Maslow's hierarchy of needs as 'self-actualization' doesn't quite fit.
Of course it's important to feel safe and sheltered and fed and hydrated before turning their attention to other pursuits, and many many traditions see the path of self-actualization as concurrent with our 'baser' needs and pursuits.
It is common for folks in our culture to wait to awaken, and what would it be like if more folks integrated their spiritual path not just into peak experiences but into their day to day relationships, picking up dogshit, doing dishes? Because that's often where the integration of these big experiences gains traction.