Are you depressed, or are you just betraying your Self?

The consequences of saying yes when you really mean no

Recently, I said yes to an opportunity when everything in my body was telling me no. 

This happens to all of us throughout life at varying degrees of severity and consequence. Sometimes it’s simply ordering the wrong thing at a restaurant. Other times it’s choosing a romantic partner that derails your sense of Self for years.

Fortunately this particular instance of self-betrayal was insignificant in the grand scheme of my own life, but it reminded me of what could happen when we continuously and chronically disregard the clear “no” from within.

Clarissa Pinkola Estés, in Women Who Run With the Wolves, delves deeply into the themes of intuition, self-betrayal, and the consequences of ignoring our inner knowing. She sees intuition as an innate wisdom that every individual, especially women, carries within—a primal guide akin to the instinctual senses in animals. 

This intuition is our "wild nature," a force that can lead us to self-preservation, growth, and fulfillment when we listen to it. Estés describes it as a direct line to our psyche's deeper knowledge, often arising as subtle sensations, emotions, or dreams that tell us when something or someone isn't quite right.

Self-betrayal, she explains, occurs when we choose to ignore these intuitive signals. It happens when we silence our inner voice in order to fit in, avoid discomfort, or appease others, thereby compromising our true needs and desires. This betrayal of self disconnects us from our inner wildness and can lead to various forms of psychological distress: depression, anxiety, a feeling of numbness, or a sense of disconnection from oneself and others.

The consequences of disregarding our intuition can be severe, as Estés warns:

“What are some of the feeling-toned symptoms of a disrupted relationship with the wildish force in the psyche?...feeling extraordinarily dry, fatigued, frail, depressed, confused, gagged, muzzled, unaroused. Feeling frightened, half or weak, without inspiration, without animation, without soulfulness, without meaning, shame-bearing, chronically fuming, volatile, stuck, uncreative, compressed, crazed. 

Feeling powerless, chronically doubtful, shaky, blocked, unable to follow through, giving one’s creative life over to others, life-sapping choices in mates, work, or friendships, suffering to live outside one’s own cycles, overprotective of self, inert, uncertain, faltering, inability to pace oneself or set limits.” 

The list goes on, but I think you get the picture. Do any of these “feeling-toned symptoms” resonate with you? 

When we repeatedly suppress this inner guidance, we risk losing touch with our authentic self and become susceptible to influences that don't serve us. Over time, we may feel ungrounded or "soul-starved," vulnerable to relationships, work, and life paths that don't truly align with our values. Estés argues that reclaiming our intuition and heeding its messages is essential to reconnecting with our authentic nature and leading a life that honors our inner truth.

Your relationship to your intuitive knowing is just like any other relationship you may have. When you deliberately go against its desires, there is a rupture in trust and communication. If your partner kindly asks you to check in during a night out with friends and you continuously disregard this request, a bigger and bigger rupture in your relationship will develop. 

The same is true with your intuition.

 A key step in rebuilding trust with your intuition is simply acting on it. Honoring its messages, even if it feels uncertain or challenging. Following through on intuitive nudges from the body and mind gradually strengthens this inner guidance system. It may not always make sense (often it won’t), but listening to it and acting on it affirms our commitment to honor our own truth. 

Living in alignment with your intuition does not mean that life will magically become easy; honoring your wild nature is not the path of least resistance, especially in a world that is steadfast at disconnecting us from our Selves. 

In my latest episode of not trusting my own intuition, the opportunity was an incredible one. How could I say no? Surely there could be no downside to this experience? What’s the worst that could happen? This is something I’ve been wanting for a long time, and now the chance is finally here! I have to say yes! 

My body continued to say no, while my mouth, as if on its own accord, continued to say yes. Tension grew and grew in my jaw and shoulders. Sleep disrupted. Presence elusive. Old thought patterns of not enoughness, judgment, and resentment resurfacing. Old behaviors of making myself small and isolating myself from the group reemerging. 

All signs that I was out of integrity. All signs that I was disconnected from the wild nature within. 

Learning to trust your intuition takes time and steady dedication. Many times, like me, you’ll take a misstep and have to course correct. Fortunately the wild nature within is understanding and forgiving when we can be honest about these missteps. When we can own these digressions and learn from them. When we can show up for ourselves as an imperfect human being. 

It took me a day or two of coming back into my practices - back into my body and breath - until that feeling of reconnection with my wild nature was felt and embodied. I’m happy to report that my sleep is back to normal. My body soft and supple. My breath easy (for the most part). 

No need to reprimand or dwell or judge myself for saying yes to the shiny dangling object that was placed in front of me. I’m only human, after all.

Have you been presented with opportunities in your life where it was a clear “no,” but you said yes anyways? Tell me about it in the comments.

I invite you to not judge your Self if you’ve been misguided by forces outside of your Self; if you’ve listened to the whispers of others who only had the best intentions for you; if you’ve spent months or even years disconnected from your wild nature within.

Know that your intuition will never abandon you. She’s there if and when you’re ready to start listening.

Xx,

The Part listening to the wild nature within

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All Parts Home Membership November sale

Now until December 6th, I am offering the All Parts Home Membership at its original price of $20/month, or $210/year, exclusively to members of my community (i.e. you!) 

*After December 6th, the price will increase to $33/month or $333/year. 

The Membership includes:

• 2x weekly live and recorded breath and movement classes

• monthly breathwork journeys

• Mini-lessons and educational and experiential workshops

• A growing library of meditations, breathwork practices, and more

• Weekly journal prompts to support self-reflection and contemplation

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