commitment vs. force

and how to trust your Self to know the difference

Welcome to the first ever column of Ask a Human, Therapist, a monthly (ish) “ask me anything” style newsletter to help us connect, human to human. Below is a question I received in the All Parts Home membership after our latest 15 day practice (where we commit to the same somatic breath and movement practice for 15 days in a row).

My hope is that my answer helps us feel a little more connected, human to human. My hope is that it helps you in the way you need.

The question:

"I’m pondering the difference between commitment and force. They come from different places, love and ego, but it was challenging for me to recognize the difference during this practice. I committed to the 15 days (and am so pleased to be finished!) but often it felt forced. Like I was doing it because I said I would and not necessarily because it was the best thing in that moment. I recognize that the benefits come with consistency AND that overriding a need to rest or go slowly to follow through on a commitment isn’t ideal. I’m stuck in the paradox and open to any clarity!”

I appreciate this question so much.

I think this question, at it’s core, is about trust; trusting our Selves to take care of our bodies and minds in a way that is aligned with our most authentic Selves, and not some past version of our Selves that wants to stay stuck or people please or do what we think we “should.”

There are so many directions I could go with answering a question about trust. We could talk about self-compassion, mindfulness, Buddhism’s The Middle Path. We could talk about nervous systems and somatic psychology.

But I hope you’ll indulge me in discussing this from an internal family systems (IFS) perspective.

In No Bad Parts, Richard Schwartz presents Internal Family Systems (IFS) as a therapeutic model that views the mind (and I’d argue the body) as a system of distinct subpersonalities or "parts," each with its own emotions, beliefs, and motivations. Schwartz argues that all parts are inherently good but may take on extreme or protective roles due to life experiences, particularly trauma.

At the core of every person, however, is the Self, a compassionate, wise, and undamaged presence that can lead the internal system with clarity and balance.

Healing occurs not by eliminating parts but by unburdening them—helping them release their extreme roles and return to their natural, supportive states. Schwartz emphasizes that there are "no bad parts"—only wounded ones seeking relief—and that true healing comes from cultivating a compassionate, Self-led relationship with all aspects of oneself.

As some of you know, I recently moved to a small town in New England to be closer to my parents. My husband and I don’t know anyone in this town, so we’ve been making an effort to find activities to connect with community and find our people here.

I was thrilled when I learned that there is a 5Rhythms weekly dance community in a neighboring town. A few weekends ago I decided to commit to going to the Sunday evening dance practice.

I was excited all weekend, until of course when 5pm on Sunday rolled around and it was time to get ready to go. My thoughts spiraled quickly:

What if I don’t go? It’s not like anyone would know except me. It’s not like I’m meeting anyone there. Do I really want to show up to something like this alone? It’s not like anyone is going to talk to me. I’m so awkward. I hate new situations. Why did we move to a town where we don’t know anyone again? What were we thinking? What’s the point? I should just stay on the couch and watch a movie. That’s the more restful and productive thing to do on a Sunday night. It’s Sunday for crying out loud! It’s 15 degrees out! It’s 30 minutes away! I need to rest up for a busy week ahead!

Allow me to introduce you to one of my most protective parts. This part loves solitude. She loves lazy days of TV shows and reading and no responsibilities to anyone other than herself. She loves that wintering is an acceptable verb that gives her permission to stay in and rest. She’s the friend that tells you exactly what you want to hear and never what you need to hear.

In an extreme state, this part keeps me safe but to a fault. She enables stagnancy, stuckness, and a lack of presence and engagement in my life. I’ve come to recognize that she’s only trying to protect me from potential feelings of rejection or embarrassment. She’s trying to protect me from the inevitable vulnerability required to make friends and engage in the world fully and wholly (which is objectively scary). In this way, I’m grateful that she cares so much.

In a more supportive state, she allows me to rest without guilt when I truly do need a day off from adulting.

So back to the question at hand: how do I recognize the difference between the more extreme, protective state and her more natural, supportive role?

Answer: I reconnect with my Self.

When my thoughts began to spiral, I tuned into my body. I breathed deeply and gently and asked myself, what’s really going on here? I noticed a heaviness in my chest, a shutdown sensation in my limbs, and a desire to close my eyes; all signs that my protective solitude part was present and moving into an extreme state and fast.

In moment’s like this my Self becomes the stern grandmother - wise and extremely loving, but also unwavering in her convictions.

You are going to the dance, my love. Bring a snack, put on your shoes and jacket, and out you go!

I could feel my Self basically shooing me out the door. And I’m so glad she did.

When we think of ourselves and our behaviors as binary - out of either love or ego - we make parts of ourselves bad or unwanted.

IFS helps us get out of this good vs bad and helps us see that actually everything we do and think and feel is coming from a place of love, even when that love is misguided or causing us harm.

If we were to look at my story from the binary of love vs ego, you could argue that the part of me that wanted to stay home was the loving and compassionate part, whereas the part that kicked me out the door was more forceful and coming from a place of ego.

However from an IFS lens, we get a much clearer picture of what was needed in that exact moment. My protective part was causing me to shutdown (her way of showing me love), and that my Self realized that I actually needed a little forceful nudge to help guide my internal system into less shutdown and more balance.

You mentioned that showing up to the 15 day practice often felt forced; that you had committed to the full 15 days and therefore felt like you had to show up. I wonder if there was a part of you that placed expectations on what showing up needs to look like (i.e. doing everything exactly as I cued it instead of taking rests or breaks as needed)? I wonder if there is a part of you that we might generally label as having “perfectionistic qualities”? Perhaps a part that strives to be good, and anything less than that is unacceptable?

When I first started offering the 15 day practice I called it the 15 day challenge. I realized quickly that this was a big mistake because the word “challenge” brings up a lot for all of our different parts. It encourages people to bypass their needs by pushing through and forcing and relying on willpower; all things that bring us into further dysregulation and disconnection from the Self when done chronically.

I changed the name to practice because I want it to feel like a devotional time for you to show up and connect with your Self and any other parts that might be present. I also recognize that committing to anything for a set period of time can be confronting to some of our parts, and that maybe that’s not such a bad thing. Committing to a daily practice helps see our patterns with a bit more clarity, and sometimes that also means with a bit more discomfort.

This discomfort is often a necessary part of us finding our growth edges that ask us to get curious and explore deeper. In other words, where are we letting protective parts run rampant in their extreme states, and where can I offer them more discerning guidance from my Self?

I invite you to begin to explore the parts that arose for you throughout the 15 days. The parts that resisted or felt forced into a daily practice. The parts that felt like you were overriding the need to rest in order to show up to a commitment. What parts felt dysregulated or threatened that might need a little extra love and attention right now? How can you give these parts of yourself the love they need?

I don’t know if any of this lands for you so please take anything that does and leave the rest.

• What if we operated under the notion that all our parts are coming from a place of love and not self-destruction?

• What if we took ourselves out of any binaries that are causing us harm and instead met ourselves with curiosity and the innate knowing that we are not our own worst enemy?

• What if we believed that there is a Self inside of us that knows how to bring us back into alignment when we inevitably fall off balance, and that this Self is actually much more accessible than we think?

My hunch is that we would be able to discern commitment from force; devotion from willpower. My hunch is that we would be able to show up and engage in the things we want to without so much self-doubt and confusion. My hunch is that we’d be able to say both no and yes to ourselves and others with way less uncertainty or regret.

My hunch is that we’d be able to trust ourselves a whole lot more.

Xo,

The Self

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