How to be perfect
you can stay imprisoned if you want, but the world needs you
Hello my friend,
How’s your breath? How’s your heart?
It’s interesting. I’ve gained more subscribers for All Parts in the last month than I have in the other 9 months that this newsletter has existed, combined. Which in so many ways is exciting. Yay! Welcome!
And yet…
And yet…
A tale as old as time for creatives everywhere has surfaced: the moment of panic when what you’re doing creatively seems to be working, and the accompanying pressure of now needing to consistently perform. I envision any creative soul reading this is nodding their head in solidarity.
But of course what we’re really talking about here is not some esoteric artist thing, but good old fashioned perfectionism. The pressure I’ve been putting on myself to make each letter I write to you better than the last was extinguishing any and all of the creative energy needed to even begin writing in the first place.
This stifling feeling is when we know perfectionism is rearing its nasty head.
Perfectionism is by no means a new or modern concept, although it does seem to be exacerbated by our modern way of living. The pressure to be perfect is literally infused in the water that we swim. Constant bombardment of marketing psychology tactics and algorithmic-targeted ads hitting our pain points and selling us the thing to feel better. Ozempic, botox, and fillers promising the perfect body and face; social media causing us to constantly compare ourselves to everyone else in the world. The list goes on and on.
Stephen Cope in his book The Great Work of Your Life (a book I can’t stop thinking about) argues that perfectionism arises when we aren’t clear on, or lose sight of, our dharma (in simple terms, our purpose). He explains that when we’re not connected to our greater purpose beyond our own self-indulgences, our purpose becomes self-improvement. This is problematic not only because it’s selfish and individualistic, but also because it keeps us from offering our unique gifts to the world. He says:
“If you don’t find your work in the world and throw yourself wholeheartedly into it, you will inevitably make your self your work….You will, in the very best case, dedicate your life to the perfection of your Self. To the perfection of your health, intelligence, beauty, home, or even spiritual prowess. And the problem is simply this: this self-dedication is too small a work. It inevitably becomes a prison.”
The prison of perfectionism. It does feel like a prison, doesn’t it?
With all the numbers rising on my substack, it was so easy to lose sight of my “why.” I resorted back to old narratives and stories about worth, meaning, and purpose. Not my narratives, but the ones written for me by a broken society designed to keep me locked in the confines of perfection and greed and climbing the ladder.
To which I firmly and definitively say:
No thank you.
Yesterday as I was walking the 3-mile loop near my house, I remembered something I had forgotten. I recalled that my work in the world is not just to make myself better. It’s not about me trying to craft the perfect newsletter week after week to you. It’s not about trying to get more subscribers or money or clout. That is “too small a work,” and indeed it felt suffocating when those thoughts inhabited my being.
I remembered that what I’m actually here to do is to show up fully and wholeheartedly. What I’m here to do is love hard on my little corner of the world with all my might, in hopes that I leave it better than I found it. My work is to call bullshit on all the ways our world keeps us from our Selves and from each other. My work is to embrace the complexities of what it means to be human, and to support others to do the same.
What I’m here to do is so much larger than myself.
What a fucking relief.
Big Love,
The part writing my own why
Prompts for Reflection
The above is merely one way to look at perfectionism. This particular way asks us to look at the space between our values and our current behaviors, and to get curious.
Are you honoring and fully embodying the values you know in your heart to be yours?
If not, why the gap?
What’s in the way?
What values are you prioritizing above your own?
Put another way, what values were given to you that you’re still trying to maintain/uphold, despite these values not being what you believe to be true for you?
As always, ease judgment.
As always, welcome in compassionate curiosity.
Simple Embodiment Practice
A song to listen to with your whole being. Lie down, close your eyes, and allow this song to envelope you fully. Deep breaths. Slow down. Be still. Receive.
“We will cocoon with the season
We will sing without reason
And emerge with widened wings.”
A gentle reminder that we’re in the depths of winter. Invite in more rest.
Moments of resting into full body presence can bring clarity to your own perfectionism, where it’s coming from, and the values and ways of being you really want to uphold and embody.
Upcoming Events/News:
IN PERSON event in Austin, TX: Full Moon Women’s Circle, January 26 at 6:30pm
I’m starting a monthly women’s circle for female-identifying folks who live in and around the Austin, Texas area (or are visiting for the weekend!). We’ll meet and share/hold space with ceremonial cacao, a breathwork journey, and space for reflection, sharing, and coming together in mindful community. The exchange for this is $35. I couldn’t be more excited to be in person with you.
Space for two more 1:1 clients.
I have space in my practice for 2 more 1:1 clients. Within Canada I work as a clinical counselor and am covered by most insurance providers, but I also work with people outside of Canada as a therapeutic coach. Working 1:1 gives you the individualized support to uncover all the things keeping you from stepping more fully into your authentic Self. I work with people moving through anxiety, depression, grief, trauma, burnout, and (of course) perfectionism and self-sabotage. I blend multiple trauma-informed modalities such as nervous system regulation, somatic experiencing, internal family systems (IFS), emotion-focused therapy, breathwork/kundalini exercises, and more.
If you’re feeling the call, you can schedule a free 15-minute consult call here to ensure it’d be a good fit. NOTE: all times are in PST when scheduling.
Other substacks I enjoyed this week:
This may not be related to anyone else but me, but a goal of mine in 2024 is to get off instagram completely.
speaks about her decision to leave in Goodbye, Instagram. I feel giddy thinking about following in her footsteps. I’ll be announcing how I’ll be more present for connection and community through substack soon.A Conversation on Love with Cheryl Strayed by
- explores the difference between rage fueled by dopamine and anger fueled by grief and hope, an important distinction. The Problem of Addictive Rage- on using dopamine to fuel hatred.
Resonate with this SO MUCH
this is so good eliza. over the last couple of years, i've learned perfectionism is the enemy of creation, as extreme self- solitude is the enemy of well- being.