Sometimes, retreating back into the Self is growth

What to do when your britches get too big for you

Hello friend,

How’s your heart? How’s your breath?

Often after a period of expansion, there comes what I like to call the big squeeze; a contraction that feels tighter than it did before the expansion. This is the body recalibrating itself to the growth. It’s the body protecting against the initial vulnerability that comes with stepping more fully into your Self.

Imagine you’re used to living in a small room; cozy and comfortable because you know it, but utterly suffocating and constricting. You want out. Through some effort and work you eventually move into a larger bedroom, one with more windows and space for a reading nook. Although you want to be in the bigger room, there is an initial discomfort. Now that I’m here, how do I take up this space?! Do I deserve to be in this room? Why is it so drafty in here! Oh no, what have I done?! Can I return to my old room?!

This last week I’ve been faced with my own big squeeze which has required me to return back to the basics.

I’ve spent my time reading, sleeping, walking, and binge watching Welcome to Wrexham (highly recommend, btw). I’ve actively avoided anything that would require anything other than the bare minimum; all my energy going towards being present for my clients and then being radically present for myself. Away with the to-do lists! Goodbye to my writing schedule! My car needs a maintenance check ASAP, you say? Too bad! I can’t leave my house!

I picked a fight with my husband to trick him to corroborate the age-old narratives that live rent-free in my being when a big squeeze occurs: I don’t deserve this. I’m not good enough. Right?!? Right?!?

He waved off my request at a joust and suggested I take a bath. The nerve!!

I can joke about it now because the fog is starting to clear and there is land in sight. I was in no such mood several days ago. In fact I could hardly string two sentences together in any sort of cohesive way (this was confirmed by looking back at my morning pages…I now understand why Julia Cameron urges one not to do this).

Even when we know what’s happening, we cannot stop the big squeeze. It must run it’s course. It’s part of the process. The only thing we can do when a big squeeze happens is to retreat back into the Self; to hide under the covers in the new big spacious room you now find yourself in and wait until morning.

And the good thing about mornings is that they always come.

Xo,

The part settling into growth

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A sprinkling of upcoming events, journal prompts, & other great reads

• IN PERSON event in Austin, TX: Full Moon Women’s Circle Friday, February 23rd at 6:30pm

  I’m starting a monthly women’s circle for female-identifying folks who live in and around the Austin, Texas area (or are visiting for the weekend!). We’ll meet and share/hold space with ceremonial cacao, a breathwork journey, and space for reflection, sharing, and coming together in mindful community. The exchange for this is $40. Last month’s was absolutely magical and I can’t wait to be with you again!

• Journal Prompts to ponder:

  • where do I feel safest? With whom do I feel safest? What makes these people and places feel safe?

  • Who inspires you? What qualities or specific things about this person do you admire?

• I recently started Fires in the Dark by Kay Redfield Jamison. A couple early quotes that make me sure I’m going to like the book:

  • “But to treat, even to cure, is not always to heal.”

  • “…to heal requires more: active engagement of the imagination, learning, and seeking. Healing is a journey; it gleans from experience. Imagination, with experience, expands the territory.”

• “But the screams from my childhood had found new voices.” When We Were Monsters: Remaking a marriage after money tore it apart: an honest and beautiful exploration of marriage by

  Dana Leigh Lyons

• If I only had her thighs by

  Joy V.

• Beyond Toxic Positivity by

  Adam Grant