The Happiness Problem
Why we are all resisting the thing we want so badly
It’s Friday, the day after American Thanksgiving. I’m lying on my Mexican blanket in my bathing suit reading from my kindle. I’ve just gone swimming in Barton Springs, a spring-fed municipal pool here in Austin. I gaze up from the words on the tablet to look around and take in the pristine green water, the warmth of the sun on my skin, and the wild privilege I feel to be swimming, outside, in November. A smile sweeps across my face as I whisper:
This is what joy feels like.
This thought was immediately followed up by these questions:
Why are we, as a species, so resistant to joy. What keeps us from joy? Why is joy such a hard emotion to access?
I thought about all the years I spent believing that joy wasn’t for me and the judgment I’d cast upon those who were so annoyingly happy. The internal eye rolls when a friend would jump up and down after a text from a crush. Feigning laughter when others began to laugh, missing the joke from being too caught up with my own thoughts, but always on cue.
What changed for me? Why am I now able to let joy in? What is required of us in order to connect with what makes us happy? And as
recently shared in a note, how can I remember that “joy is on my side,” even when I forget?Below I’ve laid out 4 reasons why we are resistant to our own joy and how we can begin to, slowly but surely, access it. This is by no means an exhaustive list, but they are the 4 that have come up the most in my personal life and private practice.
Why are we resistant to joy? What keeps us from joy?
1. We think it’s self-indulgent or unproductive
When I try to explain the importance of understanding and accepting our joy, it’s usually met with reluctance and unconvincing head nods. I can see the thoughts going through their minds: I don’t have time to stop and smell the roses. There is just so much I have to do. Practicing joy feels stupid and childish.
Of course there is the biological negativity bias, but from an emotional perspective there’s more. I believe that when there is a learned belief that joy is self-indulgent or unproductive, what’s actually happening is the mind is trying to protect us from the overwhelming feeling of joy. If we’re not used to feeling joy, it can feel just as scary as any of the more “negative” emotions like sadness and anger.
Hilary Jacobs Hendel in her book It’s not always depression speaks about defenses; our mind’s way of protecting us from being overwhelmed by our emotions. Defenses can be as subtle as procrastination and perfectionism, and as obvious as substance use and disordered eating.
When someone is resistant to practicing joy, I often sense there might be a defense against joy for a myriad of reasons (some of which are below).
Notice the learned reasons (i.e. defenses) why it’s hard for you to practice and access your joy. What did you learn in your childhood about joy or emotional expression in general?
2. Our guilt or shame when others are suffering inhibits us from accessing joy
We know intellectually that joy is not a zero-sum game. And yet, there is often so much guilt and shame that arises when we know others around the world are suffering inexplicable pains.
Hendel describes the difference between inhibitory emotions (guilt, shame, and anxiety), versus core emotions (fear, anger, sadness, joy, disgust, excitement, and sexual excitement). Inhibitory emotions block core emotions and act as a “stopgap or fail-safe mechanism to prevent core emotions from overwhelming us.” Core emotions, on the other hand, tell us what we want and need, what we like and don’t like, and are thus vital aspects of our survival instincts.
When we look from afar at the war in Israel and Palestine right now, the core emotions are undoubtedly anger and sadness for the lives that have been mindlessly taken. This anger and sadness can often feel so overwhelming that in some ways it’s safer to feel guilt for enjoying a nice day at the pool than it is to fully feel the anger and sadness about war.
Hendel describes the relationship between inhibitory and core emotions:
“When our brain senses core emotions that we previously learned were not welcome [or are too overwhelming], inhibitory emotions will rise up to stop the flow of the core emotion energy, causing tension and inhibiting breathing. The effect is like hitting the accelerator and the brake on a car simultaneously. Core emotions push up for expression and inhibitory emotions push them down. The thwarting of emotional energy causes stress- sometimes traumatic stress- on our bodies.”
In a past letter I wrote about the growing necessity to hold two opposing truths at the same time. This means that we must also be able to hold two seemingly opposing core emotions at the same time. In the ever-evolving complex world in which we live, being able to be both angry about the state of the world and enjoy the simple pleasures of the sun’s warmth, without the detrimental health effects of guilt, shame, or anxiety is not a luxury for the privileged few, but instead an existential imperative.
Are you someone who feels guilt, shame, or anxiety regularly? Get curious about how/why these inhibitory emotions are keeping you from your core emotions, including joy.
(If this feels like too much to explore on your own and you’re curious about how I support clients in my 1:1 work with this, reach out).
3. We think we need to process all our more challenging emotions before we can access our joy
Brene Brown famously said, “the dark does not destroy the light; it defines it. It’s our fear of the dark that casts our joy into the shadows.”
And for the most part, I agree with her.
Another quote by legendary Jungian psychologist and philosopher Joseph Campbell: “The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek”
Again…I agree with Campbell, but with one small and important caveat.
The personal growth and healing space has unintentionally emphasized, to our own detriment, the importance of processing all our shadows before we begin to practice accessing joy. We’ve created a narrative where we think we need to get to the core wound before we can start feeling happy.
But if we are not working on accessing our joy while simultaneously working through our shadows, we are in for a long, arduous, and nearly impossible journey; one of which people might be tempted to chase the tail of the dragon instead of sustainable healing.
I want to encourage you to be on the lookout for little pockets of joy throughout your day. Yes, enter the cave and learn how to process the dark parts of your life (preferably with a trauma-informed practitioner). And also, learn how to be on the lookout for joy right now. Learn what joy feels like in the body, and embody it. Learn what environments and people help you access those pockets of joy, and prioritize those places and spaces.
As your capacity for one core emotion grows, your capacity for all other emotions grows, too.
4. Trauma makes us believe that joy = vulnerability
A common trauma response is the belief that if we allow ourselves to feel joy it means we’ve let our guard down; we’re vulnerable to someone coming in and snatching it away unceremoniously and violently.
Trauma often causes hypervigilance or anxiety that keeps us forever on the lookout for when the other shoe is going to drop. When will all this be taken from me? Surely I don’t deserve to be happy.
Maybe you were called “too much” as a child. Maybe you were disappointed one too many times when a parent would promise a fun day at the park, only to leave you waiting by the window. Maybe you suffered inexplicable abuse at the hands of another.
When we learn that no one can take away our ability to feel joy - that it is an innate human emotion that lives within each and every one of us - we begin to no longer live in fear that the other shoe will drop. We’re able to recognize joy as an emotion that comes and goes, trusting that when it does it will always come back again.
Upcoming Events:
FREE New Years Energy Breathwork: Saturday, December 30th @ 8am PST/11am EST
Spots will fill up for this offering :)
15 Day Challenge: Making Space for the New begins January 2nd
I’m feeling so humbled by the feedback that’s been rolling in about the first 15 Day Challenge, which ended on Wednesday. We laughed, we cried, some of us felt our abs for the first time in years…it was truly an honor and privilege to have guided the journey. I’m excited to continue to bring these powerful kundalini breathwork and movement practices to you all in this format.
I know it’s still early but I can’t help but announce the NEXT 15 Day Challenge, MAKING SPACE FOR THE NEW beginning January 2nd.
It’ll be the same time (6am PST/8am CST/9am EST), same place (every day on live on zoom guided by me), different set of breathing and movement exercises specifically intended to release negative emotions and perceived disabilities in order to make space for new ways of thinking and being. For those still recovering from those leg lifts, this one will be less physically demanding than this last challenge, but no less powerful. I can’t wait!
Wow, this was so insightful and thought-provoking. As I get older, I'm learning again and again, happiness is a choice, not a result. Nothing will make you happy until you choose to be happy. No person will make you happy unless you decide to be happy. Your happiness will not come to you. It can only come from you.
Loved this essay. It was really hard for me to learn that being upset and unhappy all the time actually wasn't helping any of the causes or people I cared about. I felt so guilty about being happy or joyful while others were suffering. Learning to hold the tension with this is so hard but so important.