The Missing Puzzle Piece

on coming out of the spiritual closet

I took my first yoga class at a Gold’s Gym when I was 14. I could hear the ‘roided out dudes grunting below us as the teacher taught me and the one other person in the class the Ujjayi, or Ocean, breath. It was the first time I ever breathed intentionally with movement, and there was something about it that felt so empowering and, well, right. 

I quickly grew out of the Gold’s Gym class and moved to a more intense style of hot yoga called Bikram (which has since been defaced after allegations filed against the founder, Bikram Choudhury). At that point I had my drivers license and would drive 30 minutes to the closest studio 2-3 times a week to practice. It was here that I learned how to Om. 

In college I would sneak over to the local yoga studio in the tiny Vermont town. It was me and a bunch of retired folks. I tried all sorts of different styles of yoga, from Yin to Iyengar. I began to get interested in meditation and various eastern philosophies.

It occurs to me only now how utterly bizarre this behavior was/is for a teenager; especially the kind of teenager who, when asked to finish the sentence “I am” would have answered, “a hockey player” without hesitation. Growing up outside of Boston in the late 2000s/early 2010s, yoga was still relatively fringe and definitely not something people in my world were into. 

When I would mention something about yoga or anything remotely spiritual, I would often be met with glazed over eyes and an only half genuine, “that’s nice, Eliza.” I learned quickly that no one was interested in my “quirky hippie interests”. 

My practice deepened and evolved from something that just felt good into something inexplicably more. I didn’t have this awareness back then, but I realize now it was me trying to understand the things that I felt but didn’t have a framework for. It was me connecting to something larger than myself. 

It was an exploration into what spirituality looked and felt like for me. 

And let me tell you, I’ve explored a lot over the years. I’ve tried everything under the spiritual sun. Admittedly, I’ve been in some pretty unethical, culturally appropriated, and exclusionary spaces that have made my skin crawl. I’ve also been in extremely healing and trauma-informed spaces. I’ve been in environments that felt so culty and exploitative that I wanted to scream. I’ve also found teachers who teach from a place of integrity and transparency. 

I continued to build my relationship to spirituality in secret while on the outside I pursued mind-body practices that fit within the framework of acceptable and respectable to the world around me. I got masters degrees in both Integrative Health and Counseling Psychology. I’ve worked as a personal trainer, health coach, and am now a licensed psychotherapist. All this before I turned 30 (again, I know, utterly bizarre). I hoped that by diving into mind-body medicine and psychology, I would find a way to package the power of spirituality in a way that was more digestible to the results-driven western world that I was a part of.

I’ve brought in some spirituality here and there with the groups I guide and the client’s who are curious (always prefacing things with, “this might sound woo woo, but…”). Yet for the most part I’ve kept my teachings mind-body related with an orientation towards the westernized imperative for mainstream science and external evidence that something works before it can be accepted as truth. 

I’ve hemmed and hawed over spirituality in secret for years. I’ve languished over the commodification of eastern spirituality in the western world and wondered if it’s even worth my time or energy.

I am still someone who very much values reputable theories and evidence-based practices, particularly when it comes to 1:1 therapy work. This part of me will never fade. But I’ve also felt in my bones that I was intentionally not sharing the thing I had been dedicated to since I was 14 years old out of fear of being considered a quack.

And quite frankly, this way of minimizing spirituality no longer feels aligned for me. The thought that keeps swirling in my head is, it’s not just the mind and body, remember? It’s the mind, body, and soul. You must honor and acknowledge the soul piece.  

Last month I offered my first 15-day challenge where I taught a 30-minute kundalini yoga practice daily for participants live on zoom. I was so nervous. Kundalini yoga is first and foremost a spiritual practice and honestly pretty woo if you’re not rooted in the ancient philosophies behind the moves and breathing. Like any spiritual practice, there are aspects of kundalini that I don’t vibe with. The history of kundalini in the west is fraught. But it’s also been one of the most powerful practices for me and something kept urging me that it was time to come out of the spiritual closet, once and for all. And I’m so glad I did.

Our world today is so hyper focused on the mind-body connection, we’re often forgetting about the importance of grounded spirituality. So here’s what I have to say about the puzzle piece I feel so many of us are missing or afraid to truly embody within ourselves:

Spirituality is the process of finding alignment between the outside world and your soul. More simply, it’s a way of connecting to something larger than yourself; something inexplicably more than just the poses or mantras or meditations or chants or hymns. Call it god, the universe, nature, even creativity. It doesn’t matter. It’s just about that sense of connection. 

Honestly, that’s really it. Anything more than that is simply the tool to help get you there, of which there are many. However you find that deeper sense of connection is up to you, but it does require a willingness to explore and experiment and listen to what feels right within yourself.

As a teenager, I was desperately seeking a space to explore spirituality that felt rooted in reality without all the bull shit dogma. In many ways, I’m still searching and figuring it out.

Now, though, I’m stepping into the murky spiritual waters out loud and in community. I’m building a space for questioning and seeking that feels safe and supportive for myself and others. I’m honoring the integration of mind, body, and soul. One breath at a time.

Xo,

The Spiritual Part

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Upcoming Offerings:

Free New Years Energy Breathwork: Saturday December 30th @ 10am CST

Cindy (The Blissful Intuitive) and I are offering our signature energy breathwork class for free to ring in the new year! This healing experience includes a conscious connected breathwork journey guided by me, energy healing from Cindy, a guided meditation, integration journal prompts, and more. There are limited spots available :)

15 Day Challenge: Making Space for the New begins January 2nd @8am CST

15 days of consecutive practice. We get on zoom every morning and I guide a 30-minute practice specifically cultivated to ease you into the new year and make space for new intentions and ways of being. All classes are recorded in case you can’t make it live and you have access to them for a full 30 days. $60USD. (paid subscribers check the header of this email for your 50% off code)

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Other substacks I loved this week:

• More real talk by Kristi Koeter from

  Almost Sated

• No, not everybody needs therapy by Freya India from

  GIRLS

• Self-Help needs a Rebrand by Elise Loehnen from

  Pulling the Thread with Elise Loehnen