"what is your morning routine?"
why other people's routines don't work and how I structure my time instead
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Welcome back to our monthly (ish) column, “Ask a Human, Therapist”, which is sorta like an “ask me anything”, where I’ll blend real human stories from my own life with some education to back it up.
“What’s your morning routine?”
A client recently asked me this question, and to be honest it caught me off guard. Not because I didn’t feel comfortable answering it, but because I realized something…
I don’t really have a morning routine.
*Cue the gasps from the wellness, self-optimization, bio-hacking world*
We, as a culture, are obsessed with learning what the most successful people’s morning routines look like. Books like The 5AM Club are bestsellers. Mel Robbins has a “million-dollar morning routine” that is pretty simple but has undoubtedly earned her millions just through how it’s marketed (if you want to know what I think about Mel Robbin’s, read this).
And I really do understand the curiosity. Most of us want or need more structure, and we want to feel better. We look to how other people are doing it, especially to those who seem to have figured “it” out (whatever “it” is).
So I understood where my client was coming from.
They work a remote corporate 9-5 job, and they wanted to create boundaries around their work and their home life. It makes sense for them to want a morning routine - a scaffolding to make sure that their work life doesn’t seep into their home life.
They weren’t looking to mimic my morning routine blindly. I know this client was just trying to gather information and data around different routines and what might work in the context of their life, which is great.
The more cynical part of me, though, started to wonder: why are we, as a collective, so obsessed with looking for answers outside of ourselves, especially when it comes to something as personal and contextual as how we begin our day?
Why adopting other people’s routines rarely work long-term
Something I’ve noticed time and time again from working first as a health coach and now as a therapist is that routines developed by other people don’t work the way we want them to.
Unless you have the discipline of a Navy Seal (and you might! but I certainly don’t), trying to stick to a rigid routine day in and day out is often a fast track to self-loathing and disappointment.
But there’s more going on beneath the surface. Our brains are wired to form habits best when those habits are tied to intrinsic motivation and supported by our actual environment and context. According to behavioral scientist BJ Fogg, the most successful habits are not the ones we copy from someone else, but the ones that are tiny, personalized, and realistic within the life we already live.
When we try to copy a routine that was designed by and for someone else—with different energy levels, responsibilities, resources, cycles, and values—we set ourselves up for failure. And when life inevitably interrupts that routine (as it inevitably will), we don’t blame the structure… we blame ourselves.
It’s not just that other people’s routines are hard to follow. It’s that they were never meant for you in the first place.
The question I ask instead
When my client asked me what my morning routine was, I told them the truth - that I don’t have one (more on what I do have below), and then I told them that comparing their mornings to mine would be silly because we live in very different frameworks and realities. I don’t work a 9-5 job, and I work for myself. Context matters.
Instead of asking them what specific tasks they wanted to perform as part of their morning routine, I asked a question that I ask myself when it comes to developing structure around my time and energy:
How do you want your mornings to feel?
I’ve always wanted my mornings to feel spacious, flexible, and - most importantly - mine. So I’ve created the environment and the life that allows that to happen to the best of my ability. I’ve built a business that allows for it. It hasn’t always been easy - and it’s come with it’s sacrifices- but I chose to prioritize freedom above any other value I have and it’s guided me every step of the way.
Once we have an idea of how we want our mornings to feel, we can weave this intention into the realities of our lives and the context of what is important to us in order to live a fully embodied and value-driven life (which to me often is the same thing). We can begin to build our own frameworks.
Here’s mine:
the framework (not a formula)
Personally, strict routines have always felt too rigid for me. Too suffocating. So instead I’ve created a more flexible way of thinking about structuring my time.
It’s a structure that honors both my nervous system and my creative process. This structure is rooted in two things:
Non-negotiables that ground me, and a toolbox of practices I draw from based on what I need on any given day.
My non-negotiables aren’t revolutionary, but they anchor me. I wake up around the same time every day. I eat breakfast within an hour of waking to support my thyroid and hormonal health (contrary to the intermittent fasting trend, skipping breakfast is actually not supportive for hormonal health for women). I keep my phone out of the bedroom (I recently bought this analog clock and like it). Lastly, the earliest I will see 1:1 clients is 11am, which gives me plenty of time to flow freely with my mornings, whether that means taking some time to write, do a longer yoga or breathwork practice, or tend to my family’s needs.
My toolbox of practices is where flexibility comes in. Each morning I tune into what my body is asking for and choose from a range of supportive options likes meditation, journaling, yoga, a walk outside, breathwork, movement, stillness, a sleep in, writing a newsletter, and getting some admin work done. It’s usually some combination of 2-3 of these. What I choose depends on my stress level, what phase I’m in my menstrual cycle, and what’s going on emotionally or energetically that day. Some days this will only be a 5 minute practice, other days it is longer.
This is my sacred time to tap into my Self, Source, the Universe…whatever you want to call it. Regardless, it is sacred, and it looks different every single day.
Oh and by the way…some mornings are an absolute and utter shit show and none of what I’ve just shared happens…and that’s ok, too.
and and and…this structure is forever changing with the cycles and seasons of life (i.e. this looked very different while I was pregnant, and it’s looking very different now with a newborn on my hands. Instead of making that bad or wrong, I choose to join the dance and flow with the season I’m in, adjusting my structure accordingly).
an invitation.
The whole point of writing this post isn’t to give you a template to follow. It’s actually the opposite. You don’t need to mimic my morning. You definitely don’t need to mimic Mel Robbin’s or anyone else’s morning.
Your body, your nervous system, your lifestyle, and your needs are uniquely yours. And they are constantly changing and evolving right alongside you.
Routines created from someone else’s context might work temporarily, but eventually your life will interrupt them. Unless you’ve created your structure from within your own reality - from within your own embodied wisdom and values - these routines probably won’t hold.
if you’re struggling to create a structure for morning routines and rituals in your life, ask yourself first:
How do I want my mornings to feel?
I’d love to hear your answers in the comments.
Xx,
The part creating my own embodied routines
Practice yoga and breathwork with us!
The Summer 15 day practice begins June 11th!
(hint: If you’ve missed the June 11th start, this is an evergreen offering that will run throughout the whole summer)
Speaking of honoring the seasons and creating a structure that works for you, I am so excited for our seasonal 15 day practice that begins June 11th.
This practice is a guided journey through breath and movement, designed to support you in reconnecting with your body, balancing your energy, and moving in harmony with the season.
Over the 15 days, we will seek balancing our whole body through the 5 yogic koshas:
Physical Body: Cultivating ease, mobility, and presence to release tension and reconnect with movement
Breath & Energy Body: Regulating energy and fostering vitality without overwhelm
Mental/Emotional Body: Creating space for clarity and joy amidst the fullness of summer
Intuitive Body: Deepening trust in yourself and your inner wisdom
Bliss Body: Cultivating connection, openness, and flow
This practice is an invitation to connect back to your Self with ease, curiosity, presence, and softness. The classes are simple, joyful, and effective ways to help you build capacity for presence.
yes!! bottom-up experimentation and being flexible. I've been thinking lately that the self-help section is just a bunch of autobiographies of what works for the author.
Couldn’t agree more. Copy someone else’s routine regarding anything- has never worked for me.
I love my sleep but I love not rushing in the morning even more. So even that I could sleep longer, I prefer to wake up a bit earlier and slow things down and take my time. So worth it.