What's Keeping You Stuck?
A guide to support you in befriending your parts that are keeping you stuck.
Upcoming Events and Ways to Connect:
Journey to Self-Love Breathwork Series beginning April 26th @ 6:30pm. If you’re Vancouver-based, I’m hosting an in-person (!!!) 4-part breathwork series for people struggling with self-love, comparison, and/or body image. You’ll learn how to feel empowered and embodied through tools like breathwork and self-reflection. I can’t wait for this group! ($300 CAD for all 4 sessions PLUS a bonus integration session over zoom.) Reach out to me if you’re interested in joining but have questions, or sign up directly through the link provided.
Online Energy Breathwork on April 29th @ 8am PST. Cindy and I are continuing our monthly online energy breathwork! This community is continuing to build and we couldn’t be more thrilled. This is a great opportunity to experience the power of the breath at an accessible cost ($45 CAD for a 75-minute experience). First timers are welcome and encouraged :-)
How I like to envision all the different parts of my Self
Internal Family Systems (IFS) is a psychotherapeutic modality created by (psychologist) Dr. Richard Schwartz. This is a powerful healing tool to help us differentiate our more maladaptive parts from our capital “S” Self. It has been proven to be effective in all sorts of populations, including those suffering from trauma and CPTSD, anxiety, depression, and even suicidal ideation. I recorded this audio a few days ago; it is the way I like to explain internal family systems to my clients. If you’ve worked 1:1 with me, chances are you’ve already heard this, but it’s always worth a second listen :)
Learned behavior from past experiences, although often an important survival mechanism in childhood, are often the patterns that are keeping us stuck in adulthood.
What we often don’t realize is that the patterns that are keeping us “stuck” in the here and now are actually super adaptive survival mechanisms that, at one point in our lives, greatly served us.
Throughout this letter I’ll be using a part that comes up a lot with clients: the perfectionist part. This perfectionist part of you might be causing serious anxiety and stress now in your life, and you wish that you could just relax and enjoy your life without feeling the need to be in control all the time. The question I might then ask you is:
When, how, and why did this perfectionist part of you come online?
Maybe you grew up in a household that felt super chaotic and out of control, and so you found control in your school work, and later in your job. Or maybe you felt a lot of pressure to “be good” by parents, teachers, society, so you learned that striving to be perfect was the way to receive love, validation, and a sense of belonging. At some point, this perfectionist part of you served you in a way that kept you safe and supported. It was there for a reason. Through self-work, you can become clear on what exactly that reason was, and from that point of awareness, you can build acceptance and trust with this part so that it does not have to be so hypervigilant all the time.
When we become aware of these learned behaviors, thoughts, and feelings and why they happen, we begin to recognize that they are simply trying to protect us from, or avoid, pain and suffering.
6-Step Process for Processing Parts
In IFS, there are protective parts and vulnerable parts. The protective parts are often the ones that we are most aware of; they are the ones that are trying to protect us from feeling hurt by proactively avoiding situations that might cause distress. They protect our more vulnerable parts; the parts of us that we try to avoid because they are too painful. Some call these “shadow parts.” It’s often the avoidance of these vulnerable and painful parts that ironically cause us the most suffering. I’ve put together a 6-step process in supporting you to help the protective part feel safe enough to take a back seat so that you can access the more vulnerable parts with love and compassion. This is not a linear process, and it likely won’t feel easy. Note: I use the perfectionist part for an example. If that doesn’t resonate with you, you can substitute it for a part that does and go through the same steps.
Step 1: Acknowledge what the protective part is protecting you from
When does this part of you come up? Acknowledge it fully, and say out loud what it is protected you from.
For example, the perfectionist part of you might come up right before going on a date. There’s an internal pressure to look and be perfect. Acknowledge when this part comes up. Maybe it’s trying to protect you from rejection.
Step 2: Build Trust and Thank this part for showing up
We build trust by thanking this part of showing up and trying to protect you.
Example: “Thank you for showing up to try and protect me from rejection. I see that you are working really hard to avoid any painful emotions by the potential of being rejected. I appreciate you for working so hard.”
Step 3: Compassionately, yet firmly, tell the part of you that you are safe to explore a new way of being
Example: “I know you’ve been used to being in control during a time like this, and it’s been really protective in the past, but I actually think it is causing me more harm and suffering when it comes to dating, and it’s keeping me from being able to show up as my authentic self. I’m going to try something new for this date, and I know that even if it doesn’t work out, I’ll be ok and safe and I’ll know that it just wasn’t meant to be. Thank you for understanding.”
Step 4: Once protective part has subsided, befriend your vulnerable part that was being protected
What part of you is the protective part protecting you from? What is the more shadow/vulnerable part? Once the protective part subsides, often the more vulnerable part comes up.
Example: It might feel really scary to show up as your authentic Self on a date, maybe because of an ex-partner or parent who did not fully accept you as who you are. Think about what is true for you. Where did this fear of rejection come from? Allow this part of you to be felt and meet it with love and compassion. This often will be a younger version of ourselves; time to meet this young version of yourself as the “teacher” that your Self is.
Step 5: Give this part love, compassion, invite them out of the shadow. Give this part what it needs to feel seen, heard, understood, and loved.
Literally ask this part of yourself what it needs right now? Maybe it’s a hug, maybe it’s a reminder that they are not alone anymore. It can be helpful here to close your eyes and envision this part, and imagine yourself giving it a hug, or physically giving yourself a hug in that moment. Remind it that it’s safe now.
Step 6: Accept this vulnerable part exactly as they are
Be mindful if you start to judge or criticize this version of yourself. Talk to this part with unconditional love. Remember: these parts of you are kindergarten students and you are the adult. Treat them with the love and respect and patience they deserve.
Share in this comments one of your protective parts, and the vulnerable part it is protecting you from. The more awareness we can give these parts, the less power they have over our Self <3
Other IFS resources:
I don’t listen to Tim Ferriss that often, but I really enjoyed this episode. Richard Schwartz actually does IFS with Tim Ferriss in real time to give listeners an idea of how IFS works.
Book: Self Therapy: A step-by-step guide to creating wholeness and healing your inner child using IFS, a new, cutting-edge psychotherapy by Jay Earley
This is an incredibly accessible book that you can use on your own to begin to understand all your different parts. Highly Recommend for a more thorough understanding of IFS and parts work.
I hope these resources serve you well! Please leave any insights, questions, or reflections in the comments!
Be well,
The Educator Part