Do You Feel Present Right Now?
Half of the population experiences dissociation, and I want to do something about it.
Hi friend,
How’s your breath? How’s your heart?
I must admit I’ve been in a bit of a writing slump. I just haven’t felt like it, you know? Summer does that to me, I guess. My body holds the stories of my youth to reject work during this time of year; to prioritize play and fun, and to simply live without the usual need for deep reflection. To read novels by the water. To eat ice cream with loved ones. To stay up later and wake up earlier. To take long walks in the woods. To marvel at the impressive chorus of crickets and cicadas that envelop Texas summer nights.
Although all these things are true and good enough reasons to not be writing as much as usual, I also must admit another obstacle that has been present- one that is far less romantic than reliving summers of my youth.
Dissociation is a term used to describe the psychological experience where a person feels disconnected or separated from their thoughts, feelings, memories, or a sense of Self. It is most commonly a learned coping strategy when dealing with stress, trauma, and/or overwhelm of any kind.
Dissociation can present itself in a variety of ways, including depersonalization, derealization, amnesia, and identity confusion or alteration. Depersonalization is the feeling of being detached from oneself, whereas derealization is the feeling that the external world is unreal or somehow distorted. Amnesia refers to gaps in memory, particularly around specific events or periods of time, often associated with traumatic experiences. Identity confusion in relation to dissociation can be as mild as feeling uncertain about one’s identity, and as severe as Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID), where a person believes they have multiple identities (this used to be commonly referred to as multiple personality disorder).
Virtually everyone experiences some form of dissociation throughout their life, whether it be as harmless as daydreaming and spacing out, or as severe as a chronic dissociative disorder. Many experience more moderate forms of dissociation, with episodes of depersonalization/derealization affecting around 50% of the general population at least once in their lifetime.
Let me repeat…half of the population experiences moderate dissociation at least once throughout their lifetime.
Although dissociation is a helpful survival mechanism, it is no way to live a life. It strips us of the daily pleasures that help to remind us that we are alive. It dulls even the most profound of human experiences. It keeps us from engaging with our loved ones and leaves them wondering, “was she even really listening to me?” It stops us from fully feeling the embrace of cold water on a hot summer’s day. It makes us question our daily walks in the woods, asking ourselves, “what’s the point if I can’t even really enjoy it?” The ice cream is less sweet. The sounds of bugs at night competing with the ever louder voice inside screaming, “why am I like this?”
Dissociation has been a dear friend of mine for as long as I can remember, keeping me safe when I’ve needed it. Simultaneously, it’s also been my arch nemesis that seems to know how to make me suffer the most- disconnecting me from the world at the exact moment that I so desperately want to be a part of it.
Much like any other chronic condition, there are always symptoms before the symptoms. Always little forks in the road where we can choose either the fast track to the same old pattern, or we can opt for the boundary or behavior that will be more supportive for the mind and body. It’s taken me years to understand this, and through doing my own healing work and committing to daily breath and mindfulness practices, my average rate of choosing the supportive way far outweighs the fast track these days. Yet every once and a while I’ll throw my hands up and say, “fuck it, I’m gunna roll the dice.”
I’m coming out of the subsequent consequences of one such moment, and honestly, I couldn’t feel more grateful. Because what once would have been a months’ long journey back into my body has taken me a mere week to recover from. What once would have derailed me completely has felt more like a little bump in the road. What once would have been a huge source of shame has instead transformed into one of my greatest teachers. What once would have been all consuming has become something that I can sense myself dip in and out of; something I can paradoxically hold alongside with presence and joy.
What a gift. A gift that has been built on the foundation of compassion, curiosity, somatic awareness, breath, and movement. A gift that I am still learning how to receive.
Most importantly, it is a gift that I will continue to share with all of you. Together, we can move through our dissociative tendencies and reconnect wholly and fully to the joy and peace we all deserve.
Xo,
The Part learning to find presence, again and again and again
What’s on this month?
Online Breathwork & Sound Healing, Thursday June 27th at 7-8pm CST
I am so honored and excited to be partnering with musician and sound healer Annie Bosco for what will be a truly unforgettable healing experience. This class is part of this month’s BALANCE series, and is designed to move undesired emotion and energy with an energizing and grounding 30-minute breath and gentle movement class followed by sound healing to support integration and deep relaxation of mind, body, and soul. Tickets are $25 (or free for paid subscribers to All Parts!)
Dissociation is also a long-time companion of mine. I only really discovered the behavior a couple years ago and it helped to identify so much of what my life has been. I’ve been lacking breath work and meditation with the same excuses of summer, children, work.. who really has time for ten minutes of the day 🙃?! I had found ice baths to be extremely helpful, jolting me back into my body and the present moment, almost forcing me to meditate and breathe. For the winter months it was life changing and summer I haven’t been able to keep up with the cost of cooling a bath in 90 degree weather. All of this to say it’s time to find another way and get back on track. Your writing made me realize this and also feel not so alone. Thanks for your words!
I really enjoyed this read. I struggled severely with this as a young girl and later with depersonalisation. It is a hard and difficult way to live. As you’ve beautifully said, as you turn down pain you turn down pleasure. 🙏🏼