Writing Your Own Handbook

And the Cost of Constant Striving

In 2016 Angela Duckworth published her book Grit, and it took the self-improvement industry by storm. Her whole premise was that grit is a perfect combination of passion and perseverance that- when cultivated consistently - can lead a person down the road to success and “genius”. She shares a story about how her childhood was stained with memories of her dad relentlessly telling her that she “wasn’t a genius.” Years later, she won the MacArthur Fellowship, one of the most prestigious fellowships out there. Duckworth chalks up her success not to her innate talent and intellect, but rather to her grittiness. She had a passion and persevered, despite not being the smartest person in the room. She explains that after she received the fellowship, her father finally said the words she had been waiting her whole life to hear: “I’m proud of you.” 

And, based on the book’s success, the world really seemed to resonate with this sentiment: in order to be “successful” you just have to want it more. 

I, on the other hand, did NOT resonate with this.

I remember reading Grit back in 2016. It made me feel itchy in my own skin. I felt frustrated and annoyed. Because I felt like I was gritty, but it wasn’t making me happy. I felt like I had worked my ass off in sports and school, but I was still dissatisfied. In a way I guess it was working, because objectively I had been successful at these things; winning 2 national championships in hockey, getting recruited to play at a top university, etc. Yet by the time I was done with undergrad I felt completely burnt out and exhausted. I was tired of having to be gritty all the damn time. Wasn’t there another way?

Not only did it feel like a slap in my burnt out face, but it also wasn’t addressing the core issue. Duckworth’s argument is that if we only have perseverance without passion, burn out will inevitably ensue; which was certainly the case for me. On the other hand, if we have passion without perseverance, we’ll just give up on our dreams. I get that. But my question then becomes: 

Where is the passion coming from?   

Reading Duckworth’s words, it felt to me like her whole life was driven by the (pretty traumatizing) experience of her dad constantly telling her that she wasn’t good enough. From my vantage point, her grit didn’t originate from her passion for her work, but from needing to prove that she was lovable to the person who is supposed to love her unconditionally. Why did she feel the need to be gritty in the first place? Perhaps it was a way to prove her worth as a human being. Now THAT is a sentiment that I can resonate with. Maybe you can, too.

I was reminded of Duckworth’s book a few weeks ago while reading Elizabeth Stanley’s book, Widen the Window. In it she talks about her work with high-performing folks and the toll chronic stress and trauma takes on their bodies and minds. She explains that “the empirical research on [Duckworth’s idea of] grittiness is silent about it’s costs.” Sure, you might be able to climb the ladder and be “successful” through grit, but by doing so you are definitely more likely to experience low-grade chronic inflammation, compromised immune system functioning, mental health issues, and other symptoms that could potentially lead to more serious and long lasting illnesses later down the road.

All this has made me think a lot about the role culture, life experiences, relational dynamics, and one’s sense of self worth have in ultimately determining what one pursues in their life. Without uncovering how these systems affect our sense of Self, can we 100% be certain that we are pursuing our truest, most purposeful version of ourselves? Without a sense of awareness of how these aspects of life have shaped us, are we just upholding false narratives rooted in fear, traumatic experiences, or oppressive cultural norms? 

I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s only when we strip away all the narratives and inherited belief systems that we become aware of who we are at our core. By building from the foundation, up, we connect with our truest passion, ultimately leading us to our own definition of success. Burnout cannot exist here because our projects and passions become a self-sustaining turbine for life energy. Cultivating perseverance becomes obsolete because, from this place of true connection to Self, determination is innate within us. 

As Naval Ravikant explains, every time you proclaim that you “should” do something is an indication that there is social conditioning involved. Bringing awareness to all the “shoulds” you’re upholding in your life, and how they are impacting your well-being, is the first step in dismantling the armor of grit that is needed to fulfill someone else’s version of success.

“Don't ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive, and go do that, because what the world needs is people who have come alive.” -Howard Thurman 

Mental illness is the #1 leading cause of disability in the United States. There are many reasons for this; one of which is that our culture tells us to constantly ignore what our bodies are trying to tell us in order to “persevere” and “try harder” and “do more.” We feel our nervous system in overdrive and we think, “oh good! This stress and anxiety must mean that I’m moving closer towards ‘success!’” Stanley asserts that mind over matter is really just another form of dissociation. And I agree with her. The mind tells us we need to strive more, and the body has no choice but to follow suit. Until it can’t anymore; until it’s forced into a dissociative state because it simply cannot handle the inhumaneness of constant striving after a passion that wasn’t even ours to begin with. Dissociation is a powerful survival mechanism, but when we are forced to chronically dissociate in order to be culturally successful, often more serious mental and physical health struggles ensue. Fortunately, as a collective we are starting to wake up to the seriousness of this endemic. 

The world is a very different place now than it was in 2016 when Grit was first published. With so much political and environmental turmoil, we have lost even our perceived sense of control. The Pandemic taught us that we cannot persevere all the time; some problems require taking a step back into ourselves, into empathy, and into collective efforts that transcend any and all political and geographic divides. Through the last several years, I’ve watched people in droves begin to wake up to the cultural norms and life experiences that have been keeping them stuck, and intentionally choosing a different way. I’ve seen them choose to heal their intergenerational wounds, to live from a place of health and aliveness rather than sleep walking their way through life. They have thrown out the handbook given to them at birth and decided to write their own from a place of self-embodiment. And although there is still a long way to go I’m hopeful that, one by one, we can continue to build a world that encourages self-discovery and connection to Self. That by healing and blazing our own individual paths to self-success, I know we can find our way back to health, contentment, and embodiment, together. 

---

Prompts to Ponder

• What is chronic striving costing you? 

• Stripped of cultural and familial conditioning, what is your definition of success?

• How and when will you know that you’ve reached success? What will it feel like?

---

Vagal Toning Exercises to Support Connection

The next time you notice yourself trying to just “push through” a challenging circumstance, take a pause and try any one of these vagal toning exercises. The vagus nerve is a major part of the parasympathetic nervous system that supports our ability to react in a way that helps us remain calm and supported. We can strengthen and “tone” the vagus nerve so that it’s healing powers are more readily available to us when life feels challenging and overwhelming. Feel free to comment on which exercises feel the best for you and your body. 

---

Upcoming Events and Things to Know

1. Journey to Self-Love Breathwork Series beginning April 26th. If you’re Vancouver-based, I’m hosting an in person 4-part breathwork series for people struggling with body image, self-love, and comparison. You’ll learn how to feel empowered and embodied through tools like breathwork and self-reflection.

2. Energy Breathwork on April 29th. Cindy and I are continuing our monthly online energy breathwork! This is a great opportunity to experience the power of the breath at an accessible cost ($45 CAD for a 75-minute experience).

I hope the start of spring has been as sweet to you as it has been for me. I have a lot of big transformative shifts coming up that I can’t wait to share with you all. Please stay connected by commenting your thoughts or insights below.

With Care,

The Part who found another way.