When I start with clients in the first session I ask them, how will you know if this is working? They usually say something like ‘I’ll be less anxious’, ‘I won’t be depressed any more’, I won’t need anti depressants’, I’ll feel better’, etc. Then we monitor our work. When they do feel better they can work towards ending, which can be one session or many depending on circumstances.
If you (your readers) aren’t sure if therapy is working, ask yourself, do I feel better about myself? is my life/relationships improving? Has the anxiety/self harm/depression gone/decreased? Am I functioning well? If not, you need to bring it up with your therapist asap. If they don’t address the question, can’t explain the lack of change, or you don’t feel better at all, it’s time to leave, there will be a better one for you💛
Lots to think about and unpack in this post! Like everything else, psychology has gotten misconstrued and watered down via social media. People think because they’re reading or listening to a so-called expert they’re doing the work, which is totally false, but it can be a starting point for greater reflection and ultimately getting real help. I think the other big danger is we’ve started self-diagnosing and then seeing ourselves or others solely as diagnoses and not as complex individuals, shaped by our many life experiences.
Couldn't agree more, Kristi. I really do appreciate and love how social media has made gatekeeping information around mental health essentially non-existent. I also think a diagnosis can be super helpful and life changing in certain circumstances and for some folks. The trouble is when folks self-diagnosis and then use it as a crutch that inhibits their growth and development.
I started to notice a similar shift in myself. I love the process of uncovering insights, what therapy is usually good at, but not every insight is accurate or useful. There is also a need to convert insights into changed behavior, otherwise it remains some kind of intellectual understanding.
Yes I agree Ruben. The therapy space is moving towards experiential modalities that focus more on processing “the thing” rather than just talking about “the thing,” which feels really exciting and very needed
Interesting. I found the "talking of the thing" helpful in the past but I'm curious on how going into processing "the thing" would look like. Thanks for the post!
I think the insights are what give you awareness and choice, then the onus is on you/the client to try behaviour changes, with the therapist to support you as you do 🙏🏻💛
I am a somatic practitioner and I so appreciate this. Your question of how do you know you didn't like what your partner said is on point. What in your body led you to this? Today I got one of those messages that threw me off my axis. And I cognitively thought I was fine until the feelings in my body told me otherwise and the big sobs came out. And it isn't all resolved, but there was a clearing that occurred by letting those feelings exist and tending them with care.
I’ve been a client of various forms of therapy for many decades... talk therapy and CBT only succeeded in making an already-trapped-in-my-head problem even worse and I definitely intellectualized my traumas for many years, thinking I was “healing”. Then I did ‘The Journey’ and ‘Tribal’ at Gwinganna retreat in Australia and all the years of ignored grief and sadness enveloped me. At the same time, after Tribal (the only way I can describe it is ecstatic dance but it was much much more than this) I have never felt so broken open and connected intimately to the people (strangers) around me. I began to seek that open feeling whenever I could. Yoga has been how I’ve accessed it recently but your post is reminding me that it’s a choice in every moment... and also that I really want a new somatic therapist!! The link to your 15 days in Feb is broken but I’m eager to join. Thanks for writing this Eliza.
Beautiful share, Justine. I’m so glad you found what you needed to get out of your head and into your body 🙏🏼 thank you for telling me the link is broken...here it is for you: https://elizabwell.com/15-day-practice
Thank you so much for this; it resonates deeply with me. My own path landed me in “medicine world”—MDMA therapy, ayahuasca ceremonies and beyond. And it “worked,” in that it finally broke me out of my stories of brokenness and failure. But I was troubled by the recognition that for many of the people around me—and forgive me, I’m still groping for how to express this more generously—it was simply another resting place. Another place to say they were “walking their healing journey” but trapped in the endless eddies and folds of self-investigation. The message I got early on—not due to any native wisdom or pluck of my own—was: “Your work is not here.” In other words, get what you need here, and don’t tarry. If you don’t do something with it and take it into the world, it serves no one.
Thanks Seth. I’ve had my own similar experiences and realizations with and around psychedelic work that I’m sure I’ll share more about eventually. Adjacent to that is a piece I wrote about “chasing the tail of the dragon” that you might resonate with: https://elizabutler.substack.com/p/a-bad-experience-with-breathwork
I love how you’ve delved so beautifully into this culture of self-diagnosis and fixing.
This piece feels like the antidote to the exhaustive cycles we get ourselves into, both in our heads and in conversations. Often we are missing the point with all the headfuckery, and yes somatic and IFS have brought so much relief to my entire being, it’s much simpler to approach our challenges through the intelligence of the body
I often feel uncomfortable when I talk with someone who uses such technical language with rapidity and ease. Some of that discomfort is a product of my own unfamiliarity. It also arises from what I perceive—rightly or wrongly doesn't matter for the moment—as the too-casual use of concepts proper to professional therapy.
At the same time, I am aware that I rarely understand where someone else is. For that reason, I want to respect their presentation of themselves, their life, their relationships. And that's one more reason for the discomfort: I'm called to balance all this and more, and it's not clear where the edges of what's unacceptable are, so much so that I might as well be standing on a tightrope!
The willingness to remain upright in the midst of discomfort and dis-ease—that sure does take confidence in ourselves indeed. Thank you, again.
Did not read it but simply the article lets me thinking: I feel that many in my environment are over-therapized. Only in the head, only trying to make things perfect, only trying to “work on themselves” to be better. I think therapy can be immensily helpful, but only for the right reasons and only with someone that knows what they are doing and are doing good for them (not every therapist is good for everyone). But if done wrong, it can backfire heavily and then we have a society full of over-therapized people. Now that I write it, I may read your article after all :)
Very insightful article Eliza. I personally believe most people don't understand (myself included) before I did therapy; the purpose of therapy is not to remove suffering but to move through it to an enlarged consciousness that can sustain the polarity of painful opposites. I personally think therapy is a helpful thing. I think everyone knows it. You do it for your life, you do it for yourself, because you want to explore some things, and get at the bottom of some things. It's about your life, the quality of your life.
Therapy is like telling your nightmares when you're a kid; they lose their power to hurt and control.
Hmm yes! Love your insights Pách. As a therapist it can be challenging to hold the expectation some people come into therapy with that they want to rid themselves of suffering. I’ve noticed the clients who can come to a place where you’ve landed on the value of therapy (that it builds the capacity to sit with the polarities) who feel like they get the most out of the therapeutic work.
This was so wonderful. As I embark on my therapist journey I will definitely be taking the insights you provided on openness and closedness and the example of communication with me, thank you!
I love this post so much. The analogy of us all being sea grass swept along by the currents and the idea that we are all opening and closing a little, a lot, all the time. That’s powerful and useful. We are never static. There is never nothing going on internally. I have been reflecting on if the therapy I had earlier this year actually worked because my relationship broke down with mother again despite me having greater awareness of why she is the way she is. At first I was disappointed that therapy hadn’t helped me prevent this but then I realised that there will always be conflict and tension and disagreements because that’s being HUMAN. Ultimately the way I sat with the feelings the conflict brought up, the way I stayed curious and just let things be, as awkward as things were for 8 days and the way I chose to accept certain things and voice others showed me that therapy had helped me to more effectively communicate my needs and repair without feeling hard done by.
Katie, so much yes to your experience you shared. It's not about getting rid of conflict (that's impossible), it's about staying open and curious when conflict and past hurts inevitably bubble to the surface. So glad this resonated with you and your experience!
Love this, Eliza. Moving from head to body wisdom has been an important journey for me, ongoing.
To your question, therapy is working when I develop more self acceptance, compassion for others, and my behavior changes in daily life -- even if it's a subtle matter of bringing more intention or responding with more awareness, after some moments of being unaware.
Somatic therapy is working when I feel the cues of my body while (or before) they become my next actions.
For my child clients it’s going well when they’re fully present and actively playing in the therapeutic space of my office. They will hum or sing or dance right in front of me. They’ll openly share excitedly about a new game they’re playing at home or a new interest in a movie or subject like the Titanic. They’re the embodiment of life.
I’m a therapist, love this post.
When I start with clients in the first session I ask them, how will you know if this is working? They usually say something like ‘I’ll be less anxious’, ‘I won’t be depressed any more’, I won’t need anti depressants’, I’ll feel better’, etc. Then we monitor our work. When they do feel better they can work towards ending, which can be one session or many depending on circumstances.
If you (your readers) aren’t sure if therapy is working, ask yourself, do I feel better about myself? is my life/relationships improving? Has the anxiety/self harm/depression gone/decreased? Am I functioning well? If not, you need to bring it up with your therapist asap. If they don’t address the question, can’t explain the lack of change, or you don’t feel better at all, it’s time to leave, there will be a better one for you💛
Thanks for your wisdom, Kate!
Lots to think about and unpack in this post! Like everything else, psychology has gotten misconstrued and watered down via social media. People think because they’re reading or listening to a so-called expert they’re doing the work, which is totally false, but it can be a starting point for greater reflection and ultimately getting real help. I think the other big danger is we’ve started self-diagnosing and then seeing ourselves or others solely as diagnoses and not as complex individuals, shaped by our many life experiences.
Couldn't agree more, Kristi. I really do appreciate and love how social media has made gatekeeping information around mental health essentially non-existent. I also think a diagnosis can be super helpful and life changing in certain circumstances and for some folks. The trouble is when folks self-diagnosis and then use it as a crutch that inhibits their growth and development.
I started to notice a similar shift in myself. I love the process of uncovering insights, what therapy is usually good at, but not every insight is accurate or useful. There is also a need to convert insights into changed behavior, otherwise it remains some kind of intellectual understanding.
Yes I agree Ruben. The therapy space is moving towards experiential modalities that focus more on processing “the thing” rather than just talking about “the thing,” which feels really exciting and very needed
Interesting. I found the "talking of the thing" helpful in the past but I'm curious on how going into processing "the thing" would look like. Thanks for the post!
Always happy to discuss how a more experiential approach to therapy looks like in more detail with you, Ruben! Don’t hesitate to reach out personally.
I think the insights are what give you awareness and choice, then the onus is on you/the client to try behaviour changes, with the therapist to support you as you do 🙏🏻💛
I am a somatic practitioner and I so appreciate this. Your question of how do you know you didn't like what your partner said is on point. What in your body led you to this? Today I got one of those messages that threw me off my axis. And I cognitively thought I was fine until the feelings in my body told me otherwise and the big sobs came out. And it isn't all resolved, but there was a clearing that occurred by letting those feelings exist and tending them with care.
So glad to hear you listened to your body Sarah
Beautiful self compassion, I’ve been allowing this too, emotions before needing answers
I’ve been a client of various forms of therapy for many decades... talk therapy and CBT only succeeded in making an already-trapped-in-my-head problem even worse and I definitely intellectualized my traumas for many years, thinking I was “healing”. Then I did ‘The Journey’ and ‘Tribal’ at Gwinganna retreat in Australia and all the years of ignored grief and sadness enveloped me. At the same time, after Tribal (the only way I can describe it is ecstatic dance but it was much much more than this) I have never felt so broken open and connected intimately to the people (strangers) around me. I began to seek that open feeling whenever I could. Yoga has been how I’ve accessed it recently but your post is reminding me that it’s a choice in every moment... and also that I really want a new somatic therapist!! The link to your 15 days in Feb is broken but I’m eager to join. Thanks for writing this Eliza.
Beautiful share, Justine. I’m so glad you found what you needed to get out of your head and into your body 🙏🏼 thank you for telling me the link is broken...here it is for you: https://elizabwell.com/15-day-practice
What a wonderful post! And thank you for the kind mention of the new newsletter. 🙏
Thanks Chris!
Thank you so much for this; it resonates deeply with me. My own path landed me in “medicine world”—MDMA therapy, ayahuasca ceremonies and beyond. And it “worked,” in that it finally broke me out of my stories of brokenness and failure. But I was troubled by the recognition that for many of the people around me—and forgive me, I’m still groping for how to express this more generously—it was simply another resting place. Another place to say they were “walking their healing journey” but trapped in the endless eddies and folds of self-investigation. The message I got early on—not due to any native wisdom or pluck of my own—was: “Your work is not here.” In other words, get what you need here, and don’t tarry. If you don’t do something with it and take it into the world, it serves no one.
Thanks Seth. I’ve had my own similar experiences and realizations with and around psychedelic work that I’m sure I’ll share more about eventually. Adjacent to that is a piece I wrote about “chasing the tail of the dragon” that you might resonate with: https://elizabutler.substack.com/p/a-bad-experience-with-breathwork
I love how you’ve delved so beautifully into this culture of self-diagnosis and fixing.
This piece feels like the antidote to the exhaustive cycles we get ourselves into, both in our heads and in conversations. Often we are missing the point with all the headfuckery, and yes somatic and IFS have brought so much relief to my entire being, it’s much simpler to approach our challenges through the intelligence of the body
Thank you for the reflection, Eliza. 🙏
I often feel uncomfortable when I talk with someone who uses such technical language with rapidity and ease. Some of that discomfort is a product of my own unfamiliarity. It also arises from what I perceive—rightly or wrongly doesn't matter for the moment—as the too-casual use of concepts proper to professional therapy.
At the same time, I am aware that I rarely understand where someone else is. For that reason, I want to respect their presentation of themselves, their life, their relationships. And that's one more reason for the discomfort: I'm called to balance all this and more, and it's not clear where the edges of what's unacceptable are, so much so that I might as well be standing on a tightrope!
The willingness to remain upright in the midst of discomfort and dis-ease—that sure does take confidence in ourselves indeed. Thank you, again.
Did not read it but simply the article lets me thinking: I feel that many in my environment are over-therapized. Only in the head, only trying to make things perfect, only trying to “work on themselves” to be better. I think therapy can be immensily helpful, but only for the right reasons and only with someone that knows what they are doing and are doing good for them (not every therapist is good for everyone). But if done wrong, it can backfire heavily and then we have a society full of over-therapized people. Now that I write it, I may read your article after all :)
Very insightful article Eliza. I personally believe most people don't understand (myself included) before I did therapy; the purpose of therapy is not to remove suffering but to move through it to an enlarged consciousness that can sustain the polarity of painful opposites. I personally think therapy is a helpful thing. I think everyone knows it. You do it for your life, you do it for yourself, because you want to explore some things, and get at the bottom of some things. It's about your life, the quality of your life.
Therapy is like telling your nightmares when you're a kid; they lose their power to hurt and control.
Hmm yes! Love your insights Pách. As a therapist it can be challenging to hold the expectation some people come into therapy with that they want to rid themselves of suffering. I’ve noticed the clients who can come to a place where you’ve landed on the value of therapy (that it builds the capacity to sit with the polarities) who feel like they get the most out of the therapeutic work.
This was so wonderful. As I embark on my therapist journey I will definitely be taking the insights you provided on openness and closedness and the example of communication with me, thank you!
Best of luck on your journey!
I love this post so much. The analogy of us all being sea grass swept along by the currents and the idea that we are all opening and closing a little, a lot, all the time. That’s powerful and useful. We are never static. There is never nothing going on internally. I have been reflecting on if the therapy I had earlier this year actually worked because my relationship broke down with mother again despite me having greater awareness of why she is the way she is. At first I was disappointed that therapy hadn’t helped me prevent this but then I realised that there will always be conflict and tension and disagreements because that’s being HUMAN. Ultimately the way I sat with the feelings the conflict brought up, the way I stayed curious and just let things be, as awkward as things were for 8 days and the way I chose to accept certain things and voice others showed me that therapy had helped me to more effectively communicate my needs and repair without feeling hard done by.
Katie, so much yes to your experience you shared. It's not about getting rid of conflict (that's impossible), it's about staying open and curious when conflict and past hurts inevitably bubble to the surface. So glad this resonated with you and your experience!
Love this one. Wouldn’t we all just be more “well” if we stopped trying to fix the fact that we’re human? I dunno. 🤷🏻♂️
Thanks, Dee!
Love this, Eliza. Moving from head to body wisdom has been an important journey for me, ongoing.
To your question, therapy is working when I develop more self acceptance, compassion for others, and my behavior changes in daily life -- even if it's a subtle matter of bringing more intention or responding with more awareness, after some moments of being unaware.
Somatic therapy is working when I feel the cues of my body while (or before) they become my next actions.
For my child clients it’s going well when they’re fully present and actively playing in the therapeutic space of my office. They will hum or sing or dance right in front of me. They’ll openly share excitedly about a new game they’re playing at home or a new interest in a movie or subject like the Titanic. They’re the embodiment of life.
Oh I love this, thank you for sharing, JE. I don't work with kids, but the "embodiment of life" definitely resonates across all ages :)